Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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