Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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