Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
