yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
