i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
