I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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