Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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