I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
