A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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