i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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