exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
