I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
