There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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