Just cropdusted the office
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
