I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
