If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
