literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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