I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the condom got lost in my hair
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
