he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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