I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
