god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
