Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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