My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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