So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
