Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
