Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
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