i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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