as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
