I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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