WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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