The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
