I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
