Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
