MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
