The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
