There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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