I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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