she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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