i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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