her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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