dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They are going to name an STD after you.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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