I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
