Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
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I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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