his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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