I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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