what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
