he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
