I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
i've created a new STD.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
