I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
