Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
