I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
