the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
