I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
