I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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