wakey wakey hands off snakey
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Even my vagina gasped.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
