My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The struggles of a small town man whore
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
