Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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