After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
