I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
