The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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