normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
